Valhalla Rising v Man of Steel

Monday day I slipped in and out of consciousness but caught Valhalla Rising on the iPlayer between deep sleeps.

Plot Summary

The guy that cries blood in Casino Royal with Cheese, only has one eye in this, but that doesn't stop him knocking the sh*t out of some Pagans. 

I think I may have to stop watching so many films. I have a girlfriend now, surely I should be spending time with her instead of watching a mute tied to a post, gauging semi-naked Christians in swamps. And that's just a Tuesday night out in Ramsey.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Anyway if I had to review Valhalla Rising in the style of Top Trumps, it would look something like this.

Atmosphere - 89
Writing - 23
Cinematography - 86
Acting - 89
Plot - 29
Violence - 96
Naps taken during film - 3
Toilet breaks taken - 2


But ultimately nobody knows what this film is about, check the comment boards on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes. But if you're asking for my opinion, it's a super slow, super violent, art-house character study with a subliminal metaphor for how morally redundant it is to kill in the name of Christ. In a nutshell, if you can handle scenes of men climbing mountains in slow motion, then this is for you.

Tomato Meter - 71% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 46% (audience)
Peter Meter - 70%

Thursday I finally got to see Man of Steel at my local picture-house after last weeks misadventure saw me get drunk in a Greek restaurant instead.

Plot Summary  

Two Robin Hoods try to father Superman. Both die horribly. 


Last Friday I threw on my Terence Stamp 'KNEEL BEFORE ZOD' Tee-shirt and took the 'loner' (my Audi 80) over to Peterborough to pick up my buddy Neil. Together we were going to catch the premiere of Man of Steel over at the Showcase cinema. I parked up on the curb outside Neil's new flat. As I sat there wondering why the new Superman isn't wearing his pants on the outside, bellows of white smoke preceded to pour from the bonnet of my crapbox Audi. Was this the end of the loner? Could it not at least endure one final journey to the most anticipated film of the year? Maybe it's demise was fitting, the worst car on the road dying unceremoniously on a curb in the worst city in Britain.
To compound my misery, I stuck my head inside the hood to inspect the damage and was accosted by a prostitute of no age at all, asking if I would like any 'business'?
She stipulated that I could do what ever I wanted to her for the bargain price of £20.
The engine hissed furious spats of steam and smog between us, engulfing the entire proposition in an arduous fog that prevented me from getting a clear look at the prostitute.
However I gracefully declined and she left me and the loner, marooned together down a red-lit side alley, somewhere deep in the bowels in the seedy borough of Peter.

But moving on to the film itself.

It should be said I have a deep warm affectionate feeling towards the Christopher Reeve Superman's. Reeve's depiction of Clark Kent as a bumbling, inept shell of a man, hasn't been apparent in any incarnation of the Superman franchise since. Dean Cain was too smooth and one dimensional to give the character any kind of candor and Brandon Routh was something of a charisma vacuum.
For me the true brilliance of the Superman character lies in the dealing with the dichotomy of being a super-hero, whilst keeping his true identity a secret to protect the ones he loves.
The first act with a young Clark being morally tutored by his adopted parents, explores this brilliantly.
Unfortunately Cavil isn't really given the chance to express himself in the Kent role, rendering that side of the story redundant.

My buddy Paul argued the point that Superman has to move on from Reeve's portrayal of an ungainly Clark Kent, blundering his artless arse through over two hours of screen time. But the trouble is, that's the Superman I fell in love with. It's like when your girlfriend makes you a perfectly good batch of pancakes and you feel like launching them across the kitchen because it's not how your mum made them when you were 11.

Man of Steel didn't necessarily have big red boots to fill in the eyes of many because Singer's Superman Returns was deemed a mis-step. But it still had some pretty big red pants to fill in the view of this overly nostalgic, slightly rambling bored armchair critic.

Fuck you Man of Steel.

Tomato Meter - 57% (critics)
Tomato meter - 82% (audience)
Peter Meter - 49%

Verdict

It's sad news about James Gandolfini dying this week. Sad news for me in particular as I was looking to buy a box set of The Sopranos, and what's the bet that they've all miraculously doubled in price now. Still he has been in a lot of good films too, including the recent Killing Them Softly as a drunk misanthropic contract killer. So either watch the early Superman films and realize how less is more when it comes to CGI, or WATCH Killing Them Softly, NOT Valhalla Rising OR Man of Steel.

Teeth v The Iceman

Last weekend I drank cider, ate tea-cakes and burnt every burger on the BBQ. After a particularly charred, but enjoyable dinner I sat down and watched Teeth on Netflix.

Plot Summary

A girl develops a mutation .......... down there.

That's right, it's a film about a girl that has teeth in her vagina!
It makes you think what would be the mutated equivalent for a dude.
The girl I saw it with, suggested retractable razor blades emanating from the shaft once inside the womens vaginal core. I thought maybe a boxing glove shooting on a spring out of the mans urethra.
Please have a think and add your own suggestions.
Anyway.

Oddly, when the film is at its best, its focusing on the innocence of youth and the sanctity of sex. So often sex is over glamorized. It always looks so easy on the big screen, when in fact it can be quite awkward at times, and not great to look at aesthetically. (Just me?)

Of course with this narrative it eventually cascades into complete chaos and it goes off the rails in a pretty spectacular way. However the tone of the film is wonderfully judged with humour, tension and dismembered members.

Tomato Meter - 79% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 45% (audience)
Peter Meter - 80%

Last night I had the pleasure of driving the same girl to the picture house to catch the late showing of The Iceman.

Plot Summary

Zod plays a ruthless contract killer that will stop at nothing to fund an affluent lifestyle for his wife and children.

If I want to impress a female, I clean my automobile before picking them up. So if you are of the female variety, and you happen to find yourself in my car, and you mindlessly run your hands safely along the upholstery without it sticking to some undefinable gelatinous goop, then the chances are I quite like you.
Of course up until now I have been hiding my Audi 80 from said girl. Stashing it down secret alleys like Marty McFly hiding the DeLoreon, in fear that just the sight of such hideous machinery would have her run to the hills like a track-star.
But ultimately, I came clean, and offered her full disclosure.
I will keep you posted on any further progress, lets hope the 'Loner' doesn't prove to be a deal breaker.

The film itself was very retro. There are some cracking sideburns in this flick, matched with an eclectic selection of old trackie tops, topped with some blinding crumb-catchers. It's not just General Zod flaunting some quality Lip Foliage, check out the womb broom on Ross from Friends. Also not to be sniffed, the Lamb Chops on Captain America.

Geeky Trivia from IMDB

While in prison, Richard Kuklinski claimed to be responsible along with four other men for the kidnap and murder of former Teamsters union boss Jimmy Hoffa on July 30 1975 in a restaurant parking lot in Detroit. The five-man team were allegedly given the contract on Hoffa by Tony Provenzano, a captain in the Genovese crime family. Kuklinski claimed to have been paid $40,000 for the hit. Kuklinski said that he knocked Hoffa unconscious with a blackjack and, while holding Hoffa's chin up, thrust a hunting knife into the back of his head. Hoffa's body was then allegedly placed in the trunk of a car that was then crushed and sold as scrap metal to Japanese car makers. The claims only surfaced after Kuklinski's death in March 2006 in a book by author Philip Carlo and will probably never be substantiated. 

Tomato Meter - 68% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 72% (audience)
Peter Meter - 89%

Verdict

This week I've also caught 2/3's of Man of the Year. It's strange how Robin Williams no longer does good movies. I also watched an entire box set of Superman cartoons in a feeble bid to quell my insatiable yearning for the Man of Steel release. I implore you to watch them, they are fantastic. But my recommendation this week is Point Break, available on the iPlayer. It features one of the best lines in movie history. I have included the clip below for your aural pleasure. Don't call me a hero. So WATCH Point Break (before they remake it into something horrible) and NOT Teeth OR The Iceman.

The Last Stand v The Purge

On Tuesday an old friend invited me over for dinner. She cooked me chicken wrapped in Parmaham and we drank a bottle of Australian Hardys. A Reserve no less. To my surprise she was an Arnie fan so we stuck on his latest 'The Last Stand' on the Box Office.

Plot Summary

Arnie is a local sheriff that has morals. He does some running, jumping, then complains about his hip. 

I didn't think there were too many girls out there that fancied Arnie. If so, maybe an Arnie of twenty years ago. Not an Arnie in his 60's. But my friend was insistent that Arnie still has it, that she would like to be thrown around and have her vagina 'Terminated' by Arnie.

Schwarzenneger films were a massive part of my upbringing. Back in the day, when my older brother and his friends hired out the latest Arnie film, I would sneak out of bed at night and without them knowing, watch it from under the pool table in the games room. I'd then scamper back to my room and have horrible intense nightmares about killer cyborgs sent from the future, or aliens that could turn invisible and kill poor Apollo from the Rocky films.

Now why is there a mass resurgence for these gerry-action films? Why is Bruce Willis shitting out a 5th Die Hard movie at the age of 58, and Stallone at 67, now prepping a 3rd Expendables movie with rumoured cast additions Jackie Chan, Wesley Snipes, Nicholas Cage.

I have listed 3 solid theories.

1. We are currently immersed in a comic hero genre where typically it's the turn of the geek turned avenger/caped crusader to be the one that saves the day. No muscles required when you have super powers. So there is an audience that decries this genre and misses old fashioned meatheads smacking the shit out of each other.

2. The intelligent Blockbusters are just few and far between. The likes of Inception are the exception and not the rule. So dumb action still has its place in modern cinema.

3. G.I Joe was dumb action, every Fast & Furious flick is dumb action, Statham does nothing but dumb action, all these are terrible movies. Maybe there is a case to be made that the gerry-action genre exists because the steroid-shaped hole that the likes of Arnie and Stallone left, has yet to be filled by anyone decent. At least you're trying Dwayne, I'll give you that. Just try harder please.

I personally entertain these movies, knowing they'll be average at best, because that warm fuzzy nostalgic feeling that caresses my innards like an indian head massage is a rare beast these days, and they may not be around for too much longer so lets embrace them shall we.


Tomato Meter - 60% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 58% (audience)
Peter Meter - 72%

Last night I took my buddy Paul to see The Purge 

Plot summary 

Ethan Hawke gets locked in his own house with a black man. 

First off it is set in the near future 2022. They are saying that crime is down to 1% because of this new law, the right to Purge for one night of the year. Which is just impossible. They could have gotten away with throwing out that statistic set in the far future, but then they'd have to deal with flying cars and then the budget for a small movie idea like this goes out the window.

This is another flick where halfway through the film, someone has to kill the power so you don't get to see shit except whatever direction the guy is holding the flashlight in. It also falls between 2 stalls of wanting to be a scary movie slasher flick with people dancing creepily down corridors with wearing masks and torn wedding dresses, and a psychological thriller in the vain of Straw Dogs meets Panic Room. But it's very predictable and you have to dig the concept to dig the movie. Unfortunately I didn't, I just wanted to dig my own grave like that guy in Saving Private Ryan (I like American!!!)
It fell short of any low expectation I had going in. Which was zero.

Bullshit Siren - The ten year old kid knows the code to disable the house alarm that keeps all the murderers out.

Tomato Meter - 54% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 61% (audience)
Peter Meter - 40%

The verdict


Also this week I caught Man on Fire. This is a film that the critics rate 38% on Rotten Tomatoes, and the audience 89%. Film critics on the whole, know very little about entertainment. James King (film critic for the BBC) gave The Purge film of the week on the radio. Case closed.
This is meaty, raw, intelligent and kicks ass man.
If anything it is slightly over produced, and Dakato Fanning screaming CREAASSSSSYYY can get a tad grating. But thankfully she gets kidnapped early on so you only have to tolerate that for a short while.

But as this is Arnie week, I think everyone should take my advices and revisit Pumping Iron. Below is a short clip from the film, enjoy.

So WATCH Pumping Iron and NOT The Last Stand OR The Purge.

@thepeterbrooker

Made of Stone (Stone Roses doc) v Back to the Future 3

Last Wednesday I ventured down to the local picture-house and caught the premiere showing of Made of Stone.

Plot Summary

A bunch of Mancs record 2 albums, take 15 years off, then get back together for a couple of gigs.

The Stone Roses are perceived as being one of the best rock and roll bands this country has ever produced. My feelings towards the band in the run up to this film were tepid at best. How can a band claim to be the best in the world on the back of only 2 studio albums? Can Ian Brown actually sing? And do we really need to hear 'Waterfall' for the 10th thousandth time? I worked in manufacturing for 5 years and was subjected to 8 hours of national radio a day. Songs like 'Waterfall' or 'Fools Gold' are on every playlist on every station, and they are the most fucked out songs going. Once they were decent songs, I can remember liking 'There she goes' by The La's, or 'Wonderwall' by Oasis, but on the 10th thousandth listen, magically, it loses its shine. It's like the good looking girl back in school that got breasts early. She had a go on every other guy in your class, and by the time she's gotten round to you, it's just tired, worn and fucked out.

It's exactly like that. Don't argue.

So anyway the opening shot is Ian Brown walking in slow motion across the barrier of a mosh pit, to the sound of Alfred Hitchcock being interviewed on the process of creativity. It's an awesome shot and sets the mood, the anticipation that something quite incredible is about to unfold.
The film intersperses a present day journal, chronicling the build up to their first live performance in 16 years, with archive footage of interviews and gigs.

Where the film really shines is when it lifts the lid on what the music means to the fans. Their dedication and loyalty to the band over the years has given them the same level of cult status as the band itself. One fan was even offering to give away his car in exchange for a ticket at the warm up gig in Warrington. Finally, I know Shane Meadows directed this feature, but the real tip of the hat goes towards whoever edited the final cut. I didn't see Meadows credited in the editing department, but those are the guys that sift through hours of hand held footage, sync up the live music with the film that was shot and try to make it look innovative whilst maintaining some kind of narrative. Not an easy thing to do.

Tomato Meter - 80% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 100% (audience)
Peter Meter - 91%

A few days back I went round my buddies house with some kettle chips and 2 bottles of vino. We got suitably drunk in the early evening and caught Back to the Future 3 on the tele.

Plot Summary

Foxy goes back to the old west to see the Doc, to save his life, and to cock block him at every turn.

Just go back and watch Back to The Future 3 and you'll know what I mean. Every time the Doc goes in for a kiss, a dance or shares some meaningful eye contact with his beloved Clara, Foxy is in the background, grunting, coughing, or saying things like 'We better get going doc'. They have a fucking time machine what's the rush?

Also as pointed out by my friend, the film centers around a picture of a tombstone, and the name of said tombstone switches from the Doc, to the Fox and then finally, as the film ends, to no name at all. Not even a tombstone, just a picture of some grass.

BULLSHIT SIREN: Surely there wouldn't be a picture at all? Who takes a picture of grass??!!

Then in the closing scene there is of course the famous clip of the boy in the background pointing to his penis on the train. I have included the clip below. What a champ.

Tomato meter - 73% (critics)
Tomato meter - 74% (audience)
Peter meter - 80%

Verdict

I also caught Million Dollar Baby this week on the tele. A great story, but the last act of the movie really bums me out. I wanted to put my fucking head in the oven when that film was done. So WATCH the first 2 thirds of Million Dollar Baby and NOT Made of Stone OR Back to the Future 3.

@thepeterbrooker