Olympus Has Fallen V Revolutionary Road

This week I finally got to see Olympus Has Fallen with my buddy Rico down the local Cineworld.

Plot Summary

Gerard Butler does Die Hard in the White House and reminds everyone how good Bruce Willis was at doing this sort of stuff back in the day.

I would say the first 20 minutes of this film is the most fun I've had in the cinema all year. When Gerard Butler was blasting away Koreans one by one on the White House lawn as they attempt to take the American President hostage, I was cheering him on like Mickey would cheer on Rocky from the corner of the ring. (Timely reference).

Then it gets quite dull afterwards. I felt all the action was poorly lit. When most of the fight sequences broke out I was just hoping someone could fall on a light switch so I could see what the f**k was going on.

Bullshit Siren

Went off when someone mentioned that the main antagonist, (old diamond face from Die Another Day) had been wanted in connection to the bombing of the British Embassy in Seoul in 2004. There has never been a bombing of the British Embassy in Seoul.

Overall a bit of a shame that it nose dived after such a promising start.

Tomato Meter - 47% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 79% (audience)
Peter Meter  - 71%

Old diamond face

Last night I caught Revolutionary Road on the iPlayer.

Plot Summary

Di Caprio and Winslet go for the most cigarettes smoked in a movie. (Incidentally the film with that record is 'Out of the Past' with over 200). 

This film is all about what happens to relationships when things go stale. A very convincing portrayal on how on how marriages break down when one party wants to live life capriciously, and the other is content with security. I felt the magic was really in the performances. Di Caprio can do angry acting very effectively. Winslet's performance is more nuanced but equally as effective. But look out for Michael Shannon who rolls in like a maverick, shooting brutal truths and being just a bit of a c**t really. Can't wait to see him play Zod in the new Man of Steel flick. 

Tomato Meter - 68% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 70% (audience)
Peter Meter - 80% 

I have this T-Shirt

Verdict

Oh god just seeing that image above of Stamp makes me want to go back and watch Superman 2. KNEEEEEEEEEl before ZOD!!! I just love the Stamp. He delivers such great lines that would sound like a shit sandwich without the bread if delivered by any other actor. Lines such as..

'Whenever we enter a atmosphere with only one sun....a yellow sun'. hahaha such bullshit. But go back and WATCH Superman 2 and NOT Olympus Has Fallen OR Revolutionary Road. 

@thepeterbrooker

Butterfly on a Wheel v The Getaway

Last friday night I had a few beers and watched Butterfly on a Wheel on the iPlayer.

Plot Summary

Pierce Brosnan puts on an Irish accent and kidnaps the Scottish Spartan's daughter. He then dresses up the Spartans wife in sexy lingerie, slaps her about a bit and drinks whiskey.

So Brosnan puts on a terrible Irish accent for no reason, even though technically he is Irish as pointed out to me by a guy on Twitter. Gerard Butler is Scottish and puts on an American accent, for no reason either. Both accents are shitty and took me right out of the movie, before I had time to crack open my first beer. American accents aren't that hard to do, unless you happen to be Gerard Butler or Jason Statham. Statham movies are horrible partly because his accent is crazy. And why was he doing an Amercian accent in that film Blitz where he played a British cop, that was set in the UK? Why are people fucking around with accents? Sean Connery never bothered, and if it's good enough for that Bond, it should be good enough for you Piercey-baby.

One scene in the movie set off my bullshit siren. Gerard Butler decides to duke it out with Piercey after awhile, landing a hook flush on his chin. A good clean punch from that Spartan would probably break most peoples jaw, but Piercey takes it like Bane fighting Batman and doesn't even flinch. Even Bond went to ground when he got hit.

Tomato Meter - (no review)
Peter Meter - 52%


The other night I went down to Chichester on a business trip, had a few beers and watched The Getaway in my hotel room at 2 in the morning.

Plot Summary

Alec Baldwin dives around in slow motion for 90 minutes whilst Micheal Madsen bangs Jennifer Tilly in various hotel rooms.

First off it should be said that this film tanked at the box office. Basinger and Baldwin were huge stars when this film hit the cinemas and it could be argued that neither of their careers have recovered fully since, at least on the big screen. Baldwin is no longer a leading man, and never really had the right to be. It flopped not because it was just a very mediocre film, but because Ace Ventura came out that same week and blew it out of the water.

This film is pure 90's cinema in a bottle. Every gun scene was shot in slow-mo, and all the bad guys died. That's not a plot spolier because they all died in the original. I did enjoy the Micheal Madsen and Jennifer Tilly scenes. That was a quirky relationship and their chemistry was far more interesting to watch than Basinger and Baldwin. By the way what a woman Basinger was back in the day. I never fancied her in Batman, but just check out her hips and facial features in this movie. It's weird that she carries no actual screen presence, but visually she was the Cleopatra of her day.

Tomato Meter - 33% critics
Tomato Meter - no score (audience)
Peter Meter - 49%

The Verdict

I've been watching the snooker in fits and starts over the last couple of days. Now that Higgins is out you should see a good run from the Rocket this year. Higgins always has his number in the big tournaments it seems but now Ronnie will be the one to beat. So WATCH Ronnie 'The Rocket' O'Sullivan crunch some ass on the baize this week and NOT Butterfly on a Wheel OR The Getaway.

@thepeterbrooker

Mr 3000 v G.I Joe Retaliation

Last weekend I caught Mr 3000 on the iPlayer.

Plot Summary

Bernie Mac tries to hit one last home run before he retires whilst attempting to bang Angela Bassett in the process.

So last weekend I got invited over to my mates wedding somewhere in the Essex sticks. Now as narcissistic as this may sound I treated the event much like a leaving do as I am moving at the end of the month, new job, new digs, the whole sha-bang.

The table plan for the dinner was divided into groups of bands, like Kings of Leon, Stereophonics etc. I wanted to be on The Beatles table because they're the best band that's ever lived, but I was stationed on the Snow Patrol table, one of the most over-rated bands on the planet. My buddy Luke once summed up Snow Patrol best when I asked him,
"Do you think Snow patrol is over-rated?"
And he came back with;
"I didn't even know they were rated."

Anyway it didn't matter the dinner was beautiful, chicken with strips of veg. There was free wine and some funny dudes all cracking wise. Apart from the guy that sat next to me. I couldn't tell if he was introvert or just plain fucking rude but every conversation I started just went off a cliff. Nothing but one word answers. But here's the thing, why turn up to a wedding and be a cunt? Why not drop the face that looked like I had just asked if it was alright to put my cock in your ladies drink, have some free champagne, and maybe ask me a question or two. You never know I might turn out to be an interesting guy.

What was funny was that the groom had told all his friends that they couldn't do any drugs until after the dinner. So of course once the speeches were done, all the wives and girlfriends were dropped like hot potatoes and the queue for the gents backed out onto the dance-floor and out the fire exit.

God knows what time it was when I finally started watching Mr 3000, but I only watched 10 minutes before crashing out on the floor. I caught the rest of it the next day. It takes itself way to seriously but Bernie Mac is still great. Not sure who said it but they said it best when he died 'The world just got a little less funnier.'


Tomato Meter - 56% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 39% (audience)
Peter Meter - 50%

Last night I went to Colchester to catch G.I Joe Retaliation.

Plot Summary

The Rock layers on the arm butter and teams up with Streethawk to fight off an English president. 

My buddy Rico got some free tickets to go see Olympus has Fallen so I tagged along. It was a 6pm showing and I got out of work at 5.30pm so it was pedal to the metal all the way. We parked a fair distance away from the cinema so had to put a bit of a sprint on uphill. When we got to the box office, Rico was noticeably out of breath. He presented the guy his freebie tickets asking,
"We're not too late are we?"
Only then did he realize he had got the wrong day and the preview screening was the day before.  So we settled on G.I JOKE. Rico shelled out 25 quid for the tickets so I don't want to slam this movie too much. I'll just say it wasn't the worst film I've seen this year. Only the second worst.

Tomato Meter - 28% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 55% (audience)
Peter Meter - 42%

Verdict

If you want to see a good bernie mac film then catch him in Bad Santa. He has a lot of good lines in that movie such as 'I'm gunna stick you up my ass frizzle fry.'
I saw that film at the cinema when it came out, who can claim the same?
Anyway I know it's not the season but WATCH Bad Santa and NOT Mr 3000 OR G.I Joe.

@thepeterbrooker

Seven Psychopaths V Oblivion

Last week I rented out Seven Psychopaths and watched it with a bottle of vino my mum bought me.

Plot Summary

Woody Harrelson gets his dog nicked, Sam Rockwell, Colin Farrell and Christopher Walken take hallucinogens in the desert, and a lot of people get killed.

First off, I've said it a million times before, good looking A-list Hollywood actors should not play alcoholics. Colin Farrell, although reportedly may be something of a boozer hound, does not look like an alcoholic. Alcoholics have bad skin, horrible physiques, and don't look like they model for Mens Health.

This film descends quickly into a horrible place. The screenwriter got lazy and forgot to write a film, instead just through up the brainstorm he had for an idea of a film. You know how annoying Robbie Williams is when he shits out lyrics like 'And that's a good line, to take it to the bridge'. (Can't think what that song is, which is a good thing).

Or that Spandeau Ballet song where the dude sings 'Why do I find it hard to write the next line?'
(Think that song is called 'True'. I remember this because Sean Hughes once joked, 'yeah I know why you're finding it hard, because you know it's going to be shit.)

Anyway it's lazy writing and I don't like it. Had I known this was going to be the premise for the film I would have watched a Roger Moore film on the iPlayer.

Oh and Walken, stop doing comedies. That's it.

Tomato Meter - 82% critics
Tomato Meter - 73% audience
Peter Meter - 51%

Moving on. Just got back from watching Oblivion at the cineworld.

Plot Summary

Tom Cruise is dating a ginger girl in an Ikea-esque 5-star sky-rise and then upgrades to a Bond girl in a shed by a pond.

So this morning I chopped up 339 cricket bats to pay for some Nike Kicks.
A work colleague was working in the other shed and I could smell him from 20 feet away. Again, I have said this before, I don't blame the men, I blame the wives. This guy smells all day every day, has nothing to do with chopping wood. Women, tell your men they stink. Tell them they need to shower before leaving that house that by the way, must stink like a sumo's jockstrap.
Get them a bar of soap for christmas or better than that, refuse them sex. They'll soon get the message. Why should we suffer along with you?

Anyway, I got in my crappy Audi, and was driving out the yard when I noticed he had a T-shirt that had 'Oblivion' written across it. So I roll down the window.
"Where did you get that T-shirt?"
"Alton Towers. I went on the ride, got the T-shirt." He said.
"Cool, look this sounds crazy but I'm going to see Oblivion at the cinema, can I borrow that..."
I immediately cut myself off from finishing the sentence as my car began to fill with his musk. What a terrible idea that would have been.
"Never mind" I said and sped off, shooting the gravel at his shins leaving a dust cloud in my wake but not as shitty as the one he had left in my car.

Oblivion is what Moon would have been if someone chucked 70 million rupees at the budget. I'll let you decide if that's a good or a bad thing.

Tomato meter - 66% critics

Tomato Meter - 71% audience

Peter Meter - 79%

Quick Plug

If you pick up my the Braintree and Witham times this week you'll find my review of the Missing Andy gig in the back pages. My original draft had the correct spelling of the word Guerrilla, for the record.

Verdict

Last Thursday I had a shitty day chopping shitty wood for ten hours and I think part of my soul had worn to the nub. On leaving the yard in my crappy Audi, a female mallard stopped at the side of the road, I stopped and let it pass. As she gave me the nod and started waddling across, 5 baby chicks no bigger than tennis balls, shot out from under the fence in hot pursuit. Now if I had a phone that could take pictures I would have spent that beautiful serene moment, fishing around in my bag or jacket pocket, unlocking the phone, switching to camera mode blah blah and I would have missed natures perfection all for a blurry camera pic to post on some social media that no one will give two craps over. But I didn't. I watched and I ingested the wonder of natures splendor. The moment lasted no longer than 10 seconds before the mother duck and her chicks disappeared under a hedgerow on the opposite side.

So people instead of going to gigs and filming the band on your phone and playing the crappy distorted footage to your buddies at work the next day just to prove you were there, try savouring the moment, let it become a part of you and let it be a memory you can replay in your head over and over, whenever you like.

WATCH the world going by your window, and NOT Seven Psychopaths OR Oblivion.

@thepeterbrooker

Trance v Winter's Bone

Easter came and went and I ventured down Cineworld to catch Danny Boyle's latest flick, Trance.

Plot

James McAvoy plays a guy who is into paintings of women with hairless Vageens. He loses a painting worth £25 Million and undergoes hypnotic therapy to help trigger lost memories.

This film is nuttier than squirrel turd. Danny Boyle (oh Danny Boyleeee, the pipes the pipes..) was the incentive for me to watch this. I hadn't read a review or seen a trailer. I didn't even know the plot or who was in it.
But I figured I owe him for not fucking up the Olympic opening ceremony. However I would like to know how George Michael got away with singing that abortion of a second song 'White Light', his new single at the time. Didn't want to play anything we might recognize George you shameless narcissistic self-promoting hack?

Trance looks and feels like an acid trip. I never knew entirely what was going on, and even when leaving the cinema, had trouble describing the film with any cohesion to my super-confused buddy Rory, whom had dismissed it as slick bullshit because he got lost 5 minutes in. I vehemently disagreed with Rory's diagnosis. I found it refreshing to see something this stylish, this fast and never knowing what was round the corner. Even though I felt it come off the rails in the 3rd act, I still went with it and enjoyed my induced state of befuddlement.

Tomato Meter - 70% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 78% (audience)
Peter Meter - 82%

Over the week I have watched Winter's Bone on the iPlayer as I ate my salmon dinners.

Plot

Jennifer Lawrence goes from house to house in some Hill Billy country and asks 'Is Dad home?'

What I would say about this film is that it has its own feel and atmosphere. It makes you feel physically cold watching it, but that could also have something to do with the lack of central heating in my flat. But does that really mean anything?
I fell asleep eating dinner twice whilst watching this. That could mean something.
It's almost faultless if you have to critique the film as a stand alone piece of cinema, but I failed to engage with the story. It's unlike any other film, but then so is Berbarian Sound Studio, and although it's not in that cat-shit sandpit, its looking on, keeping watch.


Tomato Meter - 94 % (critics)
Tomato Meter - 74% (audience)
Peter Meter - 67% 

Summary

I have watched very little else this week as I have been busy learning new tunes for a funk fusion cover band based in Milton Keynes, (watch this space) and have also had my head in essays for my degree whilst reviewing bands for local papers. But what I will recommend for you all is a clip from Kick Ass. This is the reason why I love Nic Cage, he can take just one line from the script and make it entirely his own. Follow the link provided and thank me later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdCeXz2AFYA&feature=share

So watch the Link provided and NOT Trance OR Winter's Bone.

@thepeterbrooker